- Time for one last call. Who's next? - Elliott, on line three.
Hello, Elliott. l'm listening.
(Child's voice ) 'l'm a salesman...'
A salesman?! How old are you?
- '43. ' - 43?
- 'Yeah. ' - Let's be truthful.
'l'm 43. '
Elliott, we weren't born yesterday.
You're an adolescent trying to be clever by getting on air,
but you're taking time from people with real problems.
'Hey, l'm 43. My problem is, l have a young-sounding voice
'that people make fun of all the time. '
Oh, l...l'm so sorry, Elliott. That was very insensitive of me.
'Gotcha, Dr Dufus! '
lndeed you did get us, Elliott.
But we're not so stuffy that we can't laugh at ourselves.
Roz, keep these pimply-faced maggots off the air!
Well, that's our show for today.
This is Dr Crane signing off and wishing you good mental health.
- Have a good weekend. - Wait.
l want an honest answer to a question.
No, that outfit does not make you look fat.
That's not it. Why would you think so?
Women usually begin that question with ''l want an honest answer''.
l'm not that insecure.
Sorry. You're right. Your question?
ls the back of my head unattractive?
- Have you lost your mind? - l'm serious.
You know l have season tickets for the Seahawks?
Well, this cute guy sits behind me.
A few weeks ago, we said ''hi'', but he hasn't asked me out.
So l thought the back of my head might be weird.
There could be hundreds of reasons he hasn't asked.
That makes me feel better!
Maybe he's married, maybe he's gay.
Or maybe he's there to watch football and not cruise chicks.
You're right. l'm being ridiculous.
- Of course. See you Monday. - All right.
l saw that! Wait!
You're not getting the rest of my scone so forget it.
Mmm. lt's really good.
Mmm, yum, yum, yum.
You can sit there till you're blue in the face.
As far as l'm concerned you don't exist.
Oh, all right! Here! Get fat!
He got you again? You're a soft touch.
- l am not. - He never begs with me.
- Maybe he doesn't like what you eat. - He's not picky. He eats beetles.
Eddie! Let's go for another walk.
- l thought you walked him today. - l did. Twice.
- He's got to go again? - No. l do.
That didn't sound right. There's a nice-looking man with a dog.
We want to run into them again.
Come on, Eddie. He's playing hard to get.
l'm glad somebody is.
Will you fix the toilet? lt's running. The noise drives me crazy.
- l'll call a plumber. - You've got hands. Fix it yourself.
(Doorbell rings)
l am a doctor.
l've more important things to do than that.
- Hello, Niles. - Good news.
We're having a salt glow with our massage.
Forget about the plumber. l'll do it. My manicurist cancelled on me.
- You will not. - l bet you don't have any tools.
You're wrong. Let me show you something.
See this? Every possible tool for every possible need.
l got it from Hammacher Schlemmer.
- ls that turquoise inlay? - Yes. lt also comes in ebony and onyx.
- Onyx is so showy. - l love onyx. lt resonates within me.
This is why l never took any home movies.
Do you two realise what delicate doilies you are?
You don't know the meaning of the word ''self-reliant''.
Thank God there's no disaster happening.
- Oh, oh! A lemon zester. - Yes.
You know, Niles...
l'd actually like to fix that toilet just to prove Dad wrong.
For the genetically superior,
the last challenge of a toilet should be how to use one.
We've conquered the intellectual world but with nuts and bolts, we need help.
- You're serious? - Yes. We'll fix it.
Good experience, and it'll shut Dad up.
- We'll show him we're tough. - Exactly.
We can let the eucalyptus wrap be our reward.
Maris, l'm afraid l'll be delayed a few hours.
Frasier and l are tackling a home repair.
Yes, l'm working with my hands.
Yes, l've worked up a bit of a sweat.
l suppose l could take my shirt off.
- What are you doing? - She's aroused by my manual labour.
Maris, l'm holding some sort of a wrench.
Give me that!
Hello, Maris. Niles is busy now. Never mind what l'm wearing!
- May we continue? - Fine.
Take the ball cock assembly, thread it through the tank hole
and fasten it under the tank with a locknut.
Yes, locknut. See Niles? Till today you didn't know what a locknut was.
That Niles is dead. Call me Dutch.
Working with our hands like this,
l'm reminded of that glorious tradition of the Amish barn raising.
All the men of the village coming together, the mind, the muscle,
all toward that one simple yet extraordinary goal.
All right. We are ready to flush.
Here's to what we accomplish when we put our minds to it. Flush away!
lt's working! Oh, my God! lt's draining out of the tank into the bowl.
Filling the tank. l've seen it so often but never has it meant so much.
- Shouldn't it stop now? - Yes.
- lt's overflowing. - Oh, oh, oh! Oh, God!
- What does it say to do now? - Nothing.
Where are your Amish friends now?
The plumber's been called. The wine's chilled. My world makes sense again.
We've had a tough day.
We've tangled with a little pipe and porcelain.
Now it's Montrachet time.
We made a mistake in trying to fix it.
Yes. We tampered with the natural order of things.
But now, order has been restored.
By hiring a plumber, that plumber can buy, say, a Dolly Parton album.
Miss Parton finances a tour, allowing a local promoter
to afford to send his cross-dressing son to us for $1 50-an-hour therapy.
To the circle of life!
(Doorbell)
Must be the plumber.
Are you answering it or hiring someone to?
Dad, we tried, OK?
(Doorbell)
Oh, please, l wasn't doing anything. Let me get it.
- Somebody call a plumber? - Not soon enough.
Follow me.
- Nice way to spend an afternoon! - We're psychiatrists, not plumbers.
Some heads you shouldn't tamper with.
- You've got to get him out of here. - What?
That man is not fit to touch your toilet.
Niles, have you been self-medicating again?
- That was Danny Kriezel. - Kriezel the weasel?
How can you be sure? lt's been 25 years.
l'd know him anywhere. He bullied me all my childhood.
He didn't recognise you.
Because he wasn't flushing my head in a toilet.
That was his trademark. He called it a swirly.
l remember the Kriezel reign of terror.
l can trace my fear of confined spaces
back to when his older brother, Billy, shoved me into a locker
for wearing a girl's field hockey uniform.
- l didn't mean to deny you your pain. - Thank you.
l can hear Kriezel's mocking voice as he hoisted me over the bowl.
''Hold your breath, jocko.''
The crowd would start its awful chant.
''There goes Crane, down the drain. There goes Crane...''
Niles, stop! Niles! Niles!
Get a hold of yourself! Stop it!
You're a renowned psychiatrist now.
Kriezel won the battle in junior high, but that's where he peaked.
You won the war. You know the expression:
- ''Living well is the best revenge.'' - Wonderful.
l just don't know how true it is.
You don't see it turning up in a lot of opera plots.
Ludwig, maddened by the poisoning of his family,
wreaks vengeance in the third act by living well.
All right, Niles.
Then Wotan wreaks vengeance by living even better than the Duke.
Oh, all right!
- That's a new part, right? - Yeah.
l'm sure you're charging me for a new part
so l wouldn't want a used part.
What are you, the plumbing police?
l'll be back.
Don't mind me. l came for an aspirin. Tannic acid gives me a headache.
But that's the price l pay for drinking expensive wine.
- Hey. - Yes?
You've got a real mess here. My partner will have to bring new parts.
- That's two guys on golden time. OK? - lt's only money.
Say, has somebody been trying to fix this thing?
Not me.
l don't even set the clock in my Mercedes E320.
- Boy! That's a nice car. - Yes. l should say it is.
l had one for a while.
But it was too small for the family so we upgraded to the S-class.
You have the big Mercedes?
Yeah, and l've got to tell you, my 1 3-year-old's already got his eye on it.
He's a great kid. Except he got in a fight the other day.
Really? Some small-boned child with superior language skills?
No!
A big jerk who tried to steal his lunch money.
Oh. Well, there's nothing like a bully.
l've got to tell you, l'd rather he'd be a bully
than a wussy kid that gets picked on, you know the kind?
- Kids too gutless to fight back. - You admire those who fight back?
Well, sure. l mean...
lf you don't fight back, what are you? You're a wuss, a wimp.
- You're a... - Stop!
Niles! Leave the man alone. He's trying to work.
What's Dr Crane doing?
He's frustrated because l wouldn't let him do something.
He's taking his anger out on my ficus.
l've never seen him so angry. He's like a madman.
Good Lord! There's a bee out there the size of a wood finch.
Are you ready to talk now?
No. l'm not ready yet.
Niles, l have to be honest. l'm a little disappointed in you.
Were you actually going to stick someone's head into a toilet?
You don't seem to understand.
This beast has been awakened within me.
Can you get that for me?
Niles, there is a beast in all of us.
Part of becoming an adult is learning to control it.
That separates us from the Kriezels.
Also their tendency to squat down and groom each other.
You have an opportunity with Danny l've never had with Billy.
To confront him as a rational adult and achieve closure.
Easier said than done. One look at that oafish face,
those dead Kriezel eyes, you see there's no chance for communication.
There is, Niles. There has to be.
l can't go in. lf he turns his back on me, l'll attack him.
No, you won't. You're not a child any more.
Come with me. l'm taking you to the bathroom.
Excuse me, sir.
- l'd like to have a word with you. - Yeah. Go ahead.
l'd like to take you back in time to the 1 970s.
There was a gifted student at John Adams Junior High.
You terrorised that student
simply because he was different from you.
- lt was l. - No kidding?
Could we step into the living room and reach an understanding?
lt's OK with me. Any room in the house is still $59 an hour.
l'll be right back, Billy.
Billy?
That's my brother for you. Always getting into stuff.
But your friend's getting all worked up over nothing.
- You think so, Billy? - Kids pick on other kids.
- lt made those weak kids tougher. - Really?
You're a big guy. You must have been involved in stuff.
Oh, l was involved.
Billy, l'd like to take you back in time.
No. Let me take you back.
l remember once, we jammed this poindexter into a locker
wearing a girl's hockey uniform.
No, l'm sorry. l just don't remember you.
Perhaps you'll remember third period gym class?
You made me wear my jockstrap like a tiara.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Were you the kid who used to carry his gym shorts in an attaché case?
lt was a valise.
l remember you. Boy, those were some crazy times.
- Do you ever see any of the old gang? - You're missing the point.
l was severely scarred by those experiences.
Wait. l can't defend everything l did in junior high. Who can?
But let's face it: you show up wearing a tweed blazer with elbow patches,
and carrying a valise, l mean, l think the guilt here is 50-50.
He's yelling about repressed tendencies
so we stuffed a fire extinguisher down his pants. We called it...
- A jet pack. - That's it!
Man, you remember them all.
My next question is why did you behave this way?
l don't know. l mean, l guess because people thought it was funny.
l see. So, to get this validation, you would, say,
squeeze my head between your ankles and hop around the lunchroom?
- l did that to you? - Yes.
How does that make you feel?
Well, kind of bad.
The healing has begun.
On the bus, we pantsed him.
He's yelling, ''Give me back my pants!''
But, whoops! They fell out the window.
So the aggressive acts were misplaced outbursts aimed at your father.
Yes.
He was the real bully, wasn't he?
- Oh, yes. - Let it out, Danny.
Nothing l ever did was good enough for him.
l am so sorry that l picked on you, man.
l just wanted to be good at something and l was good at that.
You were the best.
Then we made him dance the hula in his underwear in front of the girls.
- You should have been there. - l was there!
- Thanks. This has just been terrific. - l can't take all the credit.
My brother convinced me a civilised person can work anything out
as long as he's calm and rational.
Run, Niles, run! The beast is loose!
- You really shoved his head in here? - l don't know. lt's all a blur.
l guess l just lost control.
- l bet it felt good, though, didn't it? - No.
lt felt damned good!
Pity you didn't do it 20 years ago. You'd have given him a better swirly.
These low-flow toilets don't have the same velocity as the old ones.
- What did he do to you? - Not a thing.
- You paid him off? - l've never written a cheque so fast.
Well...
There she goes. Good as new.
- Thanks. Can l buy you a beer? - Yeah, sounds good.
Come on, Eddie.
Oh, for God's sake, Eddie, don't drink out of the toilet.
Some guy just had his head in there.
# Hey baby, l hear the blues are calling tossed salads and scrambled eggs
# Mercy!
# And maybe l seem a bit confused Yeah, maybe...but l got you pegged!
# But l don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
# They're calling again
# Scrambled egg's all over my face!
# What is a boy to do? #
Good night, Seattle, we love you!